April 27, 2018
As I sat in my friend’s living room discussing the things that distanced us from God, I had a realization. It was a daunting realization that brought me to tears. I tried to express what was stirring in my heart, but words failed me. I could not believe that I was struggling with feeling distanced from God. My whole life was surrender to Him. Everything I did was for Him. I thought I was in the clear when it came to feeling distant from God. But the truth was: there was a massive wedge between God and me.
That night, I rushed to be alone with God. I cried at his feet and asked for clarification because, after all, I did not want this wedge to continue between us. I asked God what was going on with us. Where did I go wrong? I felt like I did all the right things to get closer with Him, yet here I was…distant. Through sobs and snots, I tried to justify my case before Him: “But God…I know you are good. I have experienced Your goodness in my own life. I know Your grace and feel Your love. I know You. I know You are real and present. I know!”
But God did not let my logic deflect the reality of what was hidden in my heart. God asked me, “If all of this is true, why are you angry with me?” I stopped, shocked at His correct appraisal of my feelings. I realized that the wedge between us was called Anger. I was so angry at Him, and for so many reasons.
Lately, it felt like the more I worked in ministry, the less God paid attention; the more encounters I had with women on the streets, the less God worked in their favor; the more I prayed and cried out for a solution, the more God turned away. God seemed unengaged and uninterested in what was happening to His sexually exploited daughters. To me, it felt like He was slacking on His job of being God and I needed to come up with answers on my own understanding. If God did not care to intervene and help the women on the streets, then I would find a way to end human trafficking on my way.
This belief gave way to me mentally advocating for the normalcy of abortion. I argued with myself, and ultimately God, that abortion was still wrong for me personally, but those women should have the freedom to choose what happens to their body. My heart ached in seeing pregnant women being trafficked. My heart ached at the reality of the statistics. These women already live such painful and abusive lives, why would they want to perpetuate this horrible reality by bringing in another human to this form of slavery? No, they should save all future children from exploitation by ending the pain before it even began.
It seemed like a great solution in my mind, and I told God my “awesome” plan.
What I failed to understand was…everything. I was trying to comprehend a sovereign God with my earthly limitations. What started as a deep sadness for exploited women gave way to frustration, and somewhere down the line that gave way to anger. At first, it was heart wrenching to witness women living so emotionally deprived and devalued. I longed to go out for ministry and bring God’s love and hope to them. But the more I went out for ministry, the more it hurt to not be able to do more for them. It hurt that other people purchased them as if they were disposable toys. It hurt that they lived consumed by fear and abuse. This hurt took root in my heart, and soon I could only express that hurt through anger. I needed to project my anger at someone, anyone…and God was the chosen one for me.
That night of the realization, I repented of my mindset. I repented of my anger towards God, and I repented of my distorted ways of looking at life. More than wanting to be right about certain topics, I longed to fall in sync with all God’s teachings and decrees. As I sat with Him, God gave me His eyes. I started seeing things with more of a heavenly mindset and was able to release some of my anger to Him.
It was not until this past night of ministry that my initial realization came full circle, and God redeemed my concept of abortion. We were handing out gifts and one particular girl stood out to me. I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to talk to her and ask how I could be praying for her. She quickly, and nervously, told us that she was five months pregnant with a baby boy.
Surprisingly, I was so happy for her! What a gift it is to be able to hold life within you; what a gift it is to be a mother. God spoke to my spirit in that moment and revealed His intense love for that mom and her unborn baby. God loves people. He loves them at conception, and He loves them once they are outside of the womb. No matter the age, we matter to Him. The Holy Spirit convicted me of so many truths as I hugged this soon-to-be mommy that night. He was there with her. It was not my place to rob that child of his life. It was not his mother’s place either. He deserves a fighting chance, an opportunity at life. And life, with all of its heartbreak and pain, is beautiful and filled with purpose. To exist and to be alive is a precious gift that is not given merely to those who society deems as deserving, but given freely to everyone He loves.
The Holy Spirit showed me that night that she deserves to experience motherhood. She deserves to experience this new depth of love. She deserves to want kids. She deserves to want a normal life. And most importantly, she deserves to cling onto the truth that there is hope for her and her future children. In Psalm 127:3 it says, “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” Why would I, or anyone, want to take such a gift from her?
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“‘Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?… I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?… Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place… Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this… Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!’” - God to a human, when said human wanted to comprehend the mind of an infinite God with a finite mind. (Job 38)